By March 18, 2014 0 Comments Read More →

15 things I wish I could tell my adoptive parents

Jessenia Arias (Gonzalez), an adult adoptee polled other adoptees about what they would like to tell their adoptive parents. The issue that came up the most was transparency about birth families and the OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAadoption story. The adopted children who responded made it clear that parents can help their children by telling them as much as they know about their birth families and helping them to trace their roots when they are ready. Also, talk about adoption and make it clear that you are not uncomfortable discussing the issues that may be on your child’s mind.
There are so many emotions built up inside of adoptees about their adoptive parents and what they wish they could say to them. Things they wish they would have done, things they wish they would have shared, or things they wish they never did. Problem is, how can you really express yourself to the people that adopted you without feeling like you are dishonoring them, being ungrateful, or catching a backhand. Right?

1. Don’t shame or spank me for not telling the truth and being honest when you have continuously been lying to me about my adoption and information for decades.

2. I wish you would have been with me through the whole adoption-reunion process; it made it a lot more difficult having to keep my “two lives” separate after reunion with my adoptive side and biological side. I wish I could’ve seen them all connect. They were still great parents and I think they thought, especially my father that he was trying to protect me not realizing how much it could have helped me. Rest in Peace Mama 9/23/08 Papa 3/17/08

3. They should have been more forthcoming with information about my adoption. Getting “my papers” at age 36 was crap. They should have openly talked about my mom and dad, “what do you think she’s like”? “I wonder if you look like him”?

4. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

5. Be honest and open, and no “special, chosen” crap.

6. Thank God they did not give me any of those pathetic frame poems.

7. Keeping my status as an adoptee as a secret was far more difficult on me than it was on them.

8. Don’t shut down when I ask questions about my adoption as if I am dishonoring you by wanting to know who my mother is.

9. Don’t think you can make my real family disappear like they do not even exist.

10. Don’t think that because you brought me to American you gave me a better life.

11. Thank you.

12. You robbed me of my culture by removing me from my country.

13. Be real and do not lie.

14. You cannot be mad because I did not end up as you anticipated. I have my own genetics and bloodline. Bestowing your ideas on me can only go so far.

15. You should have a talked with your biological children before bringing an “Outsider” into the family. It does not help when your biological children don’t accept me, or think I am supposed to bow down to my adoptive parents because you “saved” me.

16. Thank you for being open, you were really good about that.

During this discussion their were adoptive mom’s that gave their input. A couple of them erased their comments after feeling they were being disrespected by adoptees. I personally know these adoptive mom’s, and I believe they are great parents adopting out of foster care. They care to be educated by adoptees on how to raise their children. We (adoptees) are expert witnesses. I have to remind adoptees that yelling, screaming, scolding, disrespecting adoptive parents because they chose to adopt will get us no where. The purpose of these post is to educate adoptive parents, social workers, and mental health counselors how we truly feel. Not everyone is out to hurt us. 

Posted in: Resources

Post a Comment