By March 21, 2014 0 Comments Read More →

Relinquishing an adopted son

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Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It’s more than hard work helping children who have broken spirits or survival instincts as their primary source of functioning to adapt to a new life and to accept love and affection. It will stretch you to your limits and beyond when the child tests to see if you too will abandon him. It doesn’t take days for the child to heal, but weeks, months and years.

There will be acting out, acting up, testing, possible violence and tantrums that last for hours. So before adopting, take time to consider that your life and your family’s life will be deconstructed. It will be torn down piece by piece and you will have to create a completely new life for yourself and your family. That is adoption. It is recreating your family and your life. Adoption is a beautiful way to expand a family and the children are worth the fight. But think long and hard about it before bringing an adopted child into your home. Disruption is just another notch of abandonment and reinforces the child’s belief he is unlovable, worthless and unwanted. Below is a story of a woman who describes her decision to disrupt her adoption. I have added another link to a story about a girl who was adopted from Haiti and sent to numerous homes after she arrived in the US.

By Amanda Robb, Yahoo Shine Parenting

Stacey Conner, a 41-year-old mom and former attorney from Spokane, Wash., dreamed of having a large family with biological and adopted kids. “The world is a big place with a lot of children in it; we wanted to bring some of those into our family, to give our love to kids without it,” she says. After she volunteered in an orphanage in poverty-torn Haiti in 2005, Conner and her husband, Matt, a pharmacist, decided to adopt two children. But the process was so slow that by October 2006, when they brought home their (unrelated) 5-year-old Haitian son and 1-year-old Haitian daughter, Conner had given birth to a son, who was 1. “Having an instant multicultural family was magical,” Conner says, “for about two weeks.”

Her older son, whom she calls J here, “engaged every person he met — he literally crawled into the laps of strangers,” says Conner. “But if I said ‘It’s time to go’ or anything that asserted I was in control, he’d rage, bang and scream for hours.” Very quickly, Conner had a sinking feeling she tried to push away. “I was committing the worst maternal sin: I felt like I loved one child less than the others.”

Continue reading.

Stacy added more details about her decision to disrupt in another story on Rainbowkids.com.

What happens too often in the US and elsewhere is that families seem unprepared for the issues that come along with adoption. Sure, they read about PTSD and RAD, but they don’t take the time to consider how they will deal with it in a practical sense when their child is home. A horrific series by Reuters exposed a cycle of passing internationally adopted children from home to home.

Nita Dittenber was one of those children who were passed along by her adoptive parents. She talks about her fear of being sent to yet another stranger’s home in another article by Reuters.

Please, think long and hard before adopting a child. Once you adopt a child, he or she is yours forever and deserves parents who know in their heart that they will fight forever to make them feel safe and secure and successful and happy.

Posted in: Behavior

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